Some weeks batter you to pieces. Every piece of writing requires revisions. You’re told to focus on readability, concision, clarity—you know to do these things but somehow have not done them.
Welcome to the proving grounds.
You learn of budget cuts. The insurance company says you’ll have to find a new provider during the next open enrollment season. Really? Really? Fine, fine. It’s all fine. You marshal your strength, stumble forward.
The slog days, the hard-to-beat days have arrived. The days where you don’t want to do anything but have to do something, have to work, have to smile, have to pray and pray and pray.
Have to weep. Your heart’s been torn from the chest to be shredded, filleted, and served on a platter. You realize you aren’t over some things. You’re still struggling to let go. Belief, hope, and trust become distant, are barely held onto.
You wonder how many bathtubs you’ve filled with tears.
You want to be good and strong but find you’re incredibly weak. The same idols, the same desires, the same sin issues continue to confront you. Oh, you’ve made some headway, but you’ve taken steps backward, too. Again. And again.
Oh, wretch that I am! Who will free me from the body of this death?
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ my Lord!
Ah, the secret. The way to stand even in defeat, even as guilt and shame and disgust roll around your legs like an approaching thunderstorm. The method: to remember.
Christ brings freedom, and it is for freedom that He has set you free. Stand strong in him. Let him be your identity and source of hope and contentment in the midst of wavering, of doubt, of despair.
Hope in God, for I shall again praise him / for the help of his presence.
Welcome to the proving grounds. Stand and fight. Stand and be counted. Stand, and remember. Remember.
Image: Axel Kristinsson (Creative Commons)